REFLECTIONS ON A TRIP TO WAL-MART

I had to go to Wal-Mart twice today. And by had, I mean I was pulled there by some mystical voodoo force created by Sam Walton. When in Wal-Mart one of two things always happens to me. I either totally zone out where I almost have to stop, get my bearings and then start moving again or I go into super commentary mode in my head about all the things I see around me. Both of these happened on my second trip today. I don't know what it is about that place but I just get to where all the sounds and sights sort of blur together and I can't focus on any one thing. I literally have to stop and make it a point to focus on what I'm doing. And then I'm standing in the "speedy checkout" lane behind the giant woman on the motorized cart. You know the one. First of all there is nothing speedy about the "speedy checkout" line. And it usually has something to do with the giant woman on the motorized cart. Today's giant woman (and this is some of the commentary that happened in my head, although it usually goes from simple observations to the effects the things I'm observing will have on the global economy, war on terror, state of the American family, etc. You get the point) had all kinds of crap I know she didn't need, least of which was the two fish she had from the pet department. She was the kind of lady who always tells the cashier what the price of each item is after it has been rung up. As if the cashier can't see the price on her little screen. So when the second of these fish went across the scanner the lady asked how much it was. The cashier says, "$3.54". The giant lady says it was supposed to be $1.50. It took almost 5 minutes to find the actual price of this stupid fish. I almost gave the giant lady 2 bucks just to get the hell out of the store. Funny thing is, the damn lady actually forgot several of her bags when she left the checkout area ... one of which contained the fish. It brutal and yet totally expected. It's pretty much what happens when you go into Wal-Mart ... anywhere.

While I'm on Wal-Mart I should tell you of my first trip there today. I went to buy some new pocket t-shirts and boxers. I get said items and proceed to the checkout. Now imagine if you will the "average" Wal-Mart cashier. You have a good picture? Make sure it's accurate. Now if you will ... imagine a slightly older, slightly less attractive version of the average Wal-Mart cashier (by the way, I mean no offense to any of you who may be Wal-Mart cashiers). This is the cashier I had and what does she say as she scans my 3 pack of boxers? "Nice colors!" I know that doesn't sound like much, but you had to see her and hear her as she said it. I was really creeped out and promptly came home and burned all three pair of boxers.

So I'm committing to you now that I will never set foot in another Wal-Mart as long as I shall live ... knowing full well I'll probably be in there twice tomorrow.